- By Ashraqat Ashraf -
I'm in a maze with the paradox of my own self. To be clearer, I get confused with how contradictory I am. I'm a morning energetic butterfly that wakes up early on days-off to make breakfast, put extra effort to make dessert, have a nice walk indulging the warmth of the sun, and smile in the face of those who hurt me.
But also I'm a lifeless dead body; dragged by the soul that wakes up at noon to a cigarette kissing its lips, and gallons of bitter coffee. I'm an open book, a very honest person who shares everything with everyone. However, I'm a mysterious, shady, secretive person who keeps everything caged behind the gaps in my teeth.
I believe in love at first sight, yet I wish for a future with no partner. I respect everyone and I refuse to be judgemental, but I can't help but stick labels to people's foreheads when they step outside the box. I love God, and I'm frightened of the other side and how I'd drown in the pools of my mischievous behaviours, but I'm as careless as a 90 year old dying man to save time to worship whatever I believe in.
I love my parents and I can't stand the thought of losing them, yet I treat them like they're immortal. I take them for granted and I rarely give them the appreciation they deserve.
I'm balanced yet unstable. I'm bright yet dim. I'm straight yet bisexual. I'm the cool breeze in a hot afternoon yet I'm the flames that burn you to death. I'm the wisdom yet the dangerous rage. I'm the believer yet I'm the infidel. I'm tired of being torn between the extremes, not knowing which side I'm on. I'm tired of being a mass of contradictions.
I'm tired of being me.